the complete ignorant asinine things fertile people say to infertile people!!!! Its not rocket science! You just have to think before you speak. Its always the people who have more than one child that say the stupidest things. I just want to say to them walk ONE mile in my shoes, forget your beautiful full life, imagine your life without your children, then imagine going though what I have gone through. Spending the money that I have spent. Injection after injection, Negative pregnancy test after negative test. Miscarriage, heartbreak, tears, dreams squashed, need I say more? My mom always taught me if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all. This lesson goes a long way if followed! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bottom line: Just be kind to each other and show some love!!!! Leave the negativity out!!!!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
*My IVF history
So in my world we have signatures in our infertility forums with our IVF history to share with fellow fertility sisters. Some scare you because you see procedure after procedure with not ever getting pregnant, some show miscarriage after miscarriage, and some give you hope and inspire you. I have been through so much, 2 IUI's and 4 IVF's with only one miracle to show for, thank GOD! As I am about to start my final cycle I am reminded of my journey. This is what mine looks like.
*Nothing says its over like........
******TMI ALERT*******
Heavy bleeding, major cramping, and huge blood clots!!! So it has started, I am losing the pregnancy. I am really hoping to get some closure when this part is over. Had to go back to the doctor today for my final beta, confirming my levels are back to zero. I guess at this point I should be glad that its not an eptoic pregnancy. That would be worse. So after $320.00, I sit and wait for the phone call to confirm what I already know:( This really does suck, especially at this time of the year.
Heavy bleeding, major cramping, and huge blood clots!!! So it has started, I am losing the pregnancy. I am really hoping to get some closure when this part is over. Had to go back to the doctor today for my final beta, confirming my levels are back to zero. I guess at this point I should be glad that its not an eptoic pregnancy. That would be worse. So after $320.00, I sit and wait for the phone call to confirm what I already know:( This really does suck, especially at this time of the year.
*Miscarrying at 5 weeks, 5 days
Some people don't understand how far along you really are when going through IVF. We would have had another August baby:(
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
*Not gonna lie
I have had a really shitty last few days:( First I was told that I was pregnant, then I was told that I am going to have an early miscarriage, then I was told that my sisters babies were coming early all in the last 5 days. WOW! Timing is everything isn't it?
You know I think that I would rather hear you are not pregnant instead of you are pregnant, just to have it taken away from you. At least when you get a negative test you have a final answer, and you can move on. When you have a chemical pregnancy you get to deal with the ups and downs, getting your hopes up then having them squashed. The worse part is sitting around waiting to bleed and pass this embryo that I dreamed of holding!
Okay then to pour salt in the wound. You are asked to come back to the doctor so you can do another blood test to make sure that your level is back to zero. So $200.00 for each blood test. Ummmm yes we are sorry but these extra pregnancy tests are not covered by the package that you purchased. So please pay us $400.00 for us to tell you that you are no longer pregnant. That's just cruel!
Today was bitter sweet for me. I drove to the hospital to see my brand new nephew and nieces. The long awaited triplets :) I have waited so long for these babies and I am so happy that they are finally here and doing well. I am so happy for my sister Lanie and my brother in law. But it just kind of hurt to see them come into this world as I am preparing to lose mine. Not the Christmas I had hoped for. My sister and I had planned on getting pregnant together. My sister feels horrible for me, and I don't want to take anything away from her very exciting day so I suck it up and hurt silently. All day I was surrounded by pregnant women checking in, walking the halls in labor and watching baby after baby be wheeled down the hallway. It was excruciating. I held it together, stayed strong and smiled because its very unfair to be selfish on this day.
We went through IVF together she went first assuming that the first try would never take as it often doesn't. I went after hoping to get pregnant. After two failed attempts, I am left with nothing but a broken heart:( Still dreaming of adding to our family but losing hope. Running out of money and patience. How much longer can I possibly keep this up. Not sure I have it in me anymore. Thank God for my Mia because without her I would probably have gone insane by now. Infertility tears you apart piece by piece until you can no longer continue.
You know I think that I would rather hear you are not pregnant instead of you are pregnant, just to have it taken away from you. At least when you get a negative test you have a final answer, and you can move on. When you have a chemical pregnancy you get to deal with the ups and downs, getting your hopes up then having them squashed. The worse part is sitting around waiting to bleed and pass this embryo that I dreamed of holding!
Okay then to pour salt in the wound. You are asked to come back to the doctor so you can do another blood test to make sure that your level is back to zero. So $200.00 for each blood test. Ummmm yes we are sorry but these extra pregnancy tests are not covered by the package that you purchased. So please pay us $400.00 for us to tell you that you are no longer pregnant. That's just cruel!
Today was bitter sweet for me. I drove to the hospital to see my brand new nephew and nieces. The long awaited triplets :) I have waited so long for these babies and I am so happy that they are finally here and doing well. I am so happy for my sister Lanie and my brother in law. But it just kind of hurt to see them come into this world as I am preparing to lose mine. Not the Christmas I had hoped for. My sister and I had planned on getting pregnant together. My sister feels horrible for me, and I don't want to take anything away from her very exciting day so I suck it up and hurt silently. All day I was surrounded by pregnant women checking in, walking the halls in labor and watching baby after baby be wheeled down the hallway. It was excruciating. I held it together, stayed strong and smiled because its very unfair to be selfish on this day.
We went through IVF together she went first assuming that the first try would never take as it often doesn't. I went after hoping to get pregnant. After two failed attempts, I am left with nothing but a broken heart:( Still dreaming of adding to our family but losing hope. Running out of money and patience. How much longer can I possibly keep this up. Not sure I have it in me anymore. Thank God for my Mia because without her I would probably have gone insane by now. Infertility tears you apart piece by piece until you can no longer continue.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Over before it started :(
Beta # 2 is 14!
Well unfortunately my worse case scenario came true. I have read about chemical pregnancy's but never thought it would happen to me. Well check that one off my list. I was told that I was pregnant just to be told today that I would be losing this pregnancy. Such a horrible time to have to go through this. I guess the only positive thing that I can think of is that at least I have an answer so I can move forward. We have one fresh cycle left which we will do right away. After that I am throwing in the towel. I can't deal with this anymore, not to mention the fact that we have no more money for any other procedures. Infertility sucks! For now I have an amazing beautiful daughter who at this moment is singing you'll be in my heart from Tarzan and holding my face in her hands. She is the best thing that has happen to me so I am going to focus all of my love on her.
Well unfortunately my worse case scenario came true. I have read about chemical pregnancy's but never thought it would happen to me. Well check that one off my list. I was told that I was pregnant just to be told today that I would be losing this pregnancy. Such a horrible time to have to go through this. I guess the only positive thing that I can think of is that at least I have an answer so I can move forward. We have one fresh cycle left which we will do right away. After that I am throwing in the towel. I can't deal with this anymore, not to mention the fact that we have no more money for any other procedures. Infertility sucks! For now I have an amazing beautiful daughter who at this moment is singing you'll be in my heart from Tarzan and holding my face in her hands. She is the best thing that has happen to me so I am going to focus all of my love on her.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Results of my Beta are in!!!! Oh boy here we go again!
Well its another good news / bad news situation.
Good news is, I am pregnant!!!!!!!! Bad news is my beta is very low. Its 18.1 I go back for another blood test Monday morning. We need to pray that it doubles. We need this number to climb! So once again I am in beta limbo. I'll post on Monday when I hear the new number.
Good news is, I am pregnant!!!!!!!! Bad news is my beta is very low. Its 18.1 I go back for another blood test Monday morning. We need to pray that it doubles. We need this number to climb! So once again I am in beta limbo. I'll post on Monday when I hear the new number.
Cheat report - Im officially in hcg HELL!!!
I took HPT's. Here are the results. I have five first response tests, all come up with faint positives!!!! The last three are a little darker than the first two Which means I am pregnant! There is HCG in my system enough to register a positive on a test.
Now don't get too excited! here's the downer. I also took a digital hpt and it says " NOT PREGNANT"
What does this mean you ask? Well it could be one of two things.
(A) It could mean that I am pregnant and my hcg level is just too low to register a positive on a Digital test because they require a higher hcg level then regular tests. Trust me I want to go with this one!!!! I want to believe that I have another low beta and its a slow climber. If I was completely negative, there would be NO SECOND LINE. A faint line is still a line which equals a positve result:)
(B) The other thing that it could be is what they call a chemical pregnancy
Chemical pregnancy: Sometimes an early pregnancy is detected - followed by negative test results. A chemical pregnancy means implantation takes place (hCG is produced for a short time) followed by a miscarriage (generally, before any other pregnancy symptoms are detected).
Lets just pray for plan A:)
Its in God's hands, I have to let it go and give it to him. We are going to need a miracle today for sure. So please pray for us. I have been a complete and total nut case this entire week! Just ask my fertility sisters! I have all of the symptoms. I believe that I am pregnant! But there is nothing left for me to do but wait. Its going to be the longest 3-5 hours of my life! I went in this morning at 7:30 for my blood test. He usually calls back with the results anywhere from 11:00 am to 1:00 pm. I give him Luis's phone number because I can not hear Dr. Werlins voice if its bad news. I would rather hear it from Luis. So its either going to be a great day today or a crappy one!!! In either case I just wish it was over already!
Now don't get too excited! here's the downer. I also took a digital hpt and it says " NOT PREGNANT"
What does this mean you ask? Well it could be one of two things.
(A) It could mean that I am pregnant and my hcg level is just too low to register a positive on a Digital test because they require a higher hcg level then regular tests. Trust me I want to go with this one!!!! I want to believe that I have another low beta and its a slow climber. If I was completely negative, there would be NO SECOND LINE. A faint line is still a line which equals a positve result:)
(B) The other thing that it could be is what they call a chemical pregnancy
Chemical pregnancy: Sometimes an early pregnancy is detected - followed by negative test results. A chemical pregnancy means implantation takes place (hCG is produced for a short time) followed by a miscarriage (generally, before any other pregnancy symptoms are detected).
Lets just pray for plan A:)
These tests are my last bit of hope. I am holding on to them with both hands. Praying for a low beta but a positive one! At least I still have hcg in my system:)
Its in God's hands, I have to let it go and give it to him. We are going to need a miracle today for sure. So please pray for us. I have been a complete and total nut case this entire week! Just ask my fertility sisters! I have all of the symptoms. I believe that I am pregnant! But there is nothing left for me to do but wait. Its going to be the longest 3-5 hours of my life! I went in this morning at 7:30 for my blood test. He usually calls back with the results anywhere from 11:00 am to 1:00 pm. I give him Luis's phone number because I can not hear Dr. Werlins voice if its bad news. I would rather hear it from Luis. So its either going to be a great day today or a crappy one!!! In either case I just wish it was over already!
Sunday, December 4, 2011
My symptoms so far
11/28 - Transferred two blasts best we have ever had:)
11/29 - 1 dp5dt - mild cramping off and on
11/30 - 2 dp5dt - mild cramping off and on
12/1 - 3 dp5dt - mild cramping off and on
12/2 - 4 dp5dt - 1:30 am sharp pain with a little bit of spotting now feeling pulling in uterus
12/3 - 5 dp5dt - feeling pulling in my uterus
12/4 - 6 dp5dt - feeling some pulling not as much, is it fading?
12/5 - 7 dp5dt - still cramping
12/6 - 8 dp5dt - still cramping
12/7 - 9 dp5dt - cramping and still feeling pulling
12/8 - 10 dp5dt - cramping and uterus pain
12/9 - 11 dp5dt Pregnancy test should have results around 1:00 pm
11/29 - 1 dp5dt - mild cramping off and on
11/30 - 2 dp5dt - mild cramping off and on
12/1 - 3 dp5dt - mild cramping off and on
12/2 - 4 dp5dt - 1:30 am sharp pain with a little bit of spotting now feeling pulling in uterus
12/3 - 5 dp5dt - feeling pulling in my uterus
12/4 - 6 dp5dt - feeling some pulling not as much, is it fading?
12/5 - 7 dp5dt - still cramping
12/6 - 8 dp5dt - still cramping
12/7 - 9 dp5dt - cramping and still feeling pulling
12/8 - 10 dp5dt - cramping and uterus pain
12/9 - 11 dp5dt Pregnancy test should have results around 1:00 pm
What to do on your two week wait!
Why OBSESS of course! Who doesn't right? So here is a breakdown of what happens after a 5 day frozen embryo transfer
0dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
1dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
3dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
5dpt.. Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells &
fetal cells
6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
7dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
8dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
9dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on
HPT
My pregancy test is 11dpt!!!!! Friday you seem so far away!!!!
0dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
1dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
3dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
5dpt.. Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells &
fetal cells
6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
7dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
8dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
9dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on
HPT
My pregancy test is 11dpt!!!!! Friday you seem so far away!!!!
Bed Rest check!!!!
Yay so glad that my strict 5 days of bed rest are over:) I was so sad to see my mom go:( She has been my angel through all of this. Her faith is so strong and she is so positve so you can't help but to feel so good when you are around her:) She made breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday and took great care of Mia and Luis too. She cleaned and kept my laundry up so I had nothing to do when I got out of bed. She is the best! I love you mom!
Last night we went to church because after the service they were having their first ever tree lighting ceremony. It was FREEZING!!!!! but well worth it. The tree was huge and beautiful!! Mia loved it!
Last night we went to church because after the service they were having their first ever tree lighting ceremony. It was FREEZING!!!!! but well worth it. The tree was huge and beautiful!! Mia loved it!
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Day 4 of bedrest
Okay so last night around 1:30 am I was woken up by this scratching feeling in my uterus. It immediately made me think of when I was pregnant with Mia. I felt the same kind of pain:) I am hoping this is a good sign!!!! I just keep telling myself after all I am PUPO pregnant until proven otherwise! Also had a nice surprise last night, our friends Veronica and Josh came by to visit! They are so sweet she made me this delicious dessert!!! We met through our infertility journey and have so much in common. Way more than we thought! We are so lucky to have found them:)
Symptoms so far: still mild cramping, that uterus scratching pain and here we go again all I want is water. Everything else including my decaf coffee is not tasting good:)
Symptoms so far: still mild cramping, that uterus scratching pain and here we go again all I want is water. Everything else including my decaf coffee is not tasting good:)
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