*Not gonna lie

I have had a really shitty last few days:( First I was told that I was pregnant, then I was told that I am going to have an early miscarriage, then I was told that my sisters babies were coming early all in the last 5 days. WOW! Timing is everything isn't it?

You know I think that I would rather hear you are not pregnant instead of you are pregnant, just to have it taken away from you. At least when you get a negative test you have a final answer, and you can move on. When you have a chemical pregnancy you get to deal with the ups and downs, getting your hopes up then having them squashed. The worse part is sitting around waiting to bleed and pass this embryo that I dreamed of holding!

Okay then to pour salt in the wound. You are asked to come back to the doctor so you can do another blood test to make sure that your level is back to zero. So $200.00 for each blood test. Ummmm yes we are sorry but these extra pregnancy tests are not covered by the package that you purchased. So please pay us $400.00 for us to tell you that you are no longer pregnant. That's just cruel!

Today was bitter sweet for me. I drove to the hospital to see my brand new nephew and nieces. The long awaited triplets :) I have waited so long for these babies and I am so happy that they are finally here and doing well. I am so happy for my sister Lanie and my brother in law. But it just kind of hurt to see them come into this world as I am preparing to lose mine. Not the Christmas I had hoped for. My sister and I had planned on getting pregnant together. My sister feels horrible for me, and I don't want to take anything away from her very exciting day so I suck it up and hurt silently. All day I was surrounded by pregnant women checking in, walking the halls in labor and watching baby after baby be wheeled down the hallway. It was excruciating. I held it together, stayed strong and smiled because its very unfair to be selfish on this day.

We went through IVF  together she went first assuming that the first try would never take as it often doesn't. I went after hoping to get pregnant. After two failed attempts, I am left with nothing but a broken heart:( Still dreaming of adding to our family but losing hope. Running out of money and patience. How much longer can I possibly keep this up. Not sure I have it in me anymore. Thank God for my Mia because without her I would probably have gone insane by now. Infertility tears you apart piece by piece until you can no longer continue.